


The Theory Of Motivation

by fElBiTeR



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (Comics), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Asphyxiation, Backstory, Exposition, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Running from problems, Super Secret Lair, Time Travel, Timeline Shenanigans, and not the fun kind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-14 10:35:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10534710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fElBiTeR/pseuds/fElBiTeR
Summary: Barry couldn't see it physically but he knew that if he just kept sitting around, the universe would continue to crumble down around him. Iris would be dead in a few months and everything was not okay, but Barry just needed to get away.And he knew the perfect excuse.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wELP HERE's an installment of me trying to write a shortish length fic that could be a long one shot if I had tried harder
> 
> I'm working on 3 other Flash fics I swear
> 
> I started writing this a day before Moonshot on Legend's of Tomorrow aired, and obviously none of it follows canon because bOOP
> 
> I'm still trying to find my writing style and here's a mostly unedited chapter of Barry Allen contemplating life
> 
> ill fix the tags later
> 
> Enjoy, and even if you didn't enjoy it, thanks for reading it<3

It never occurred to Barry why his timeline was still intact, even after Eddie killed himself and erased Eobard Thawne from existence. The Reverse Flash was the one from the first _original_ timeline, and he was the one who changed everything by killing Barry’s mom on that night. The night that seems so far away now, because Barry’s been too busy stressing over Iris’ imminent death by a speedster god. It just didn't seem logical to dwell on the past while there were more current problems to think about.

It isn't until one day when Team Flash is somehow reminiscing about their pre-STAR Labs lives when Cisco mentions wanting go back in time to stop Dante from telling Melinda Tores that Cisco wanted to be a priest.

Barry had given Cisco a questioning look that went unnoticed. Wasn’t Dante a sore subject for him just a week ago? Barry hadn't said that out loud of course, not wanting to mess up Cisco’s mood or the friendly atmosphere.

Julian had sat up straighter, poised to listen, and Caitlin waited expectantly. Barry didn't move from his comfortable spot on a new swivel chair, one that he had taken time to personally buy himself recently because the old plastic one had broken after he and Cisco tried racing each other using the wooden sticks from old mops lying around as their oars and the wheelie chairs as boats. Naturally, Barry had won and hopped onto the chair to proclaim his victory to all. It didn't break then, but when Barry had sat on it later that night, the chair splintered and he fell right through.

Cisco grinned and kept ranting on. “She was cute and I was into her. And apparently she was into me, so we totally should have gotten together. But Dante had went up to her and said ‘Hey, did you know? Cisco actually wants to be a priest when he grows up! And priests can’t have relationships with other people, because they have to make a vow of cebility!’ Of course, I corrected the way he said celibacy instead of explaining that _what_ he said was wasn't actually true. I think I can still remember Melinda’s eyes widening and her older sister dragging her away,” Cisco trailed off, looking thoughtful.

“But I wouldn't _actually_ do it. If I did, who knows where I would be now? Maybe Melinda would've broken up with me early on in the relationship, and I would have spent a year sulking alone in my room.”

“Or maybe you would have missed out on reading a book that inspired you to come to STAR Labs and meet us,” Caitlin adds to Cisco’s vision.

“Or Gypsy,” Cisco sighs dreamily.

 _Maybe Dante would have lived longer,_ Barry thinks to himself, and Barry understands that somewhere in Cisco’s mind, he’s thinking the exact same thing. Barry knows, he _understands_ that this is his fault, not Cisco’s, not Caitlin’s. But he won't apologize for it because Barry doesn't regret a second of the time he got to spend with his parents in _Flashpoint_.

Barry knows that he's a selfish hypocrite sometimes. He knows the rules of being a speedster, and one rule that he keeps telling everyone is that time is complicated and changing it could lead to horrible consequences. Truthfully, and also a bit foolishly, Barry is constantly taking Thawne’s word for it because it's one of the only rules Barry's ever heard explicitly stated from a veteran speedster. Barry feels guilty taking those words as law from an untrustworthy man, and then never mentioning this eensy-weensy fact to the rest of his team, but Barry doesn't want to bring up bad memories among their current pain. It may not have been a complete lie, but it's still a lie by omission. Barry hasn't met that many other speedsters, and his world doesn't exactly have a written rule book for time travel. At least, not yet. Jay Garrick has also warned Barry once before, but it’s nothing compared to the numerous accounts of Barry fucking up and Thawne telling him over and over that messing with time will bring bad fortune.

But Barry _has_ broken that rule himself, over and over. He wants to save the people he loves, and he wanted his mom and dad to be alive. It was selfish and took away the lives of countless other people—billions of innocent people in the other timelines that were completely wiped out once Barry left them. And Barry has acted on those selfish thoughts more than once.

The first is when he tries to stop Mark Mardon's tsunami from destroying Central City, and admittingly more important, Iris and Joe. He hadn't known about any rules or consequences at the time, and he hadn't even known that Cisco was being gifted a vibrating arm into his chest; Barry knows he wouldn't have found out if not for Cisco’s vibe powers. After the time traveling, he had told Dr. Wells of it, who then frantically warned him not to reveal anything more or to change what was supposed to happen.

Eobard Thawne had been the one warning Barry that day, not Harrison Wells. He had genuinely been afraid of the repercussions of Barry’s accidental time travel, dropping his Wells facade for a moment, and perhaps, he was even more fearful of the Time Wraiths that may have shown up. But Barry hadn't listened, because it wasn't as if Harrison Wells had time traveled before. No one in the known history of the world had even attempted to, and here was Barry, _accidentally_ doing it. He had the chance to save Iris and Joe, and he took it.

It resulted in Dante almost being killed, Iris rejecting Barry's confession, and a painful punch to the face from Eddie. The only semi-good thing that came out of it was Leonard Snart getting Barry’s secret identity—oh wait, that hadn't been a deal in Barry’s favor either. The time traveling had also resulted in forcing Caitlin to lie to Eddie and Iris about Barry having psychosis from the lightning.

It was painful, watching Iris and Eddie forgive him only because he was ‘disconnected from reality’. Barry had finally confessed his love, and it was dismissed because Barry was diagnosed as insane. That was the gist of Barry’s first time experiencing time travel. It certainly hadn't been a stroll in the park.

Barry had traveled back to the night his mother died on the second time. _Nothing_ was achieved from it. All Barry did was listen as the Reverse Flash killed Nora Allen, _again_. He had stood on the other side of the closed door, sobbing as he heard the wet _schlick_ of a knife sliding into a human chest. _Nothing was achieved—_

The third time hadn't been a cake walk either. If Barry hadn't threatened to expose Thawne to past-Barry, he would have _also_ received a vibrating arm into his chest. It was an empty threat, and a worldly wonder that Thawne even believed him enough to back off. Barry had wanted Thawne to teach him properly, one final time, but all he did was hand Barry a flash drive with no real instructions. Barry shouldn't have felt disappointed, he really shouldn't have, but Thawne was the only other speedster that Barry had known existed at the time _and_ he had advanced knowledge that no one else did. Knowledge that no one else would have known, not for _centuries_.

Barry noticed Cisco and Caitlin laughing at something Julian said, but he hadn't heard a word of the conversation. Barry threw in a dry chuckle so he wouldn't seem too out of it. He really couldn't help but filter their words out as he thought about Savitar, and then about more speed, and then finally, his thoughts trailed back to Eobard Thawne. Where was the Reverse Flash now?

If Thawne was afraid of something, it was guaranteed that Barry should feel a bit threatened by it too. Time Wraiths. A speedster’s reaper, apparently. When Team Flash failed at destroying it, the Time Wraith was genuinely comparable to a Harry Potter dementor, and Barry could suddenly feel real sympathy for Harry Potter. It had sucked on Barry’s soul, draining away at all his happiness and his very being until there was nothing left but a hollow, empty shell. It had almost succeeded, too, if not for Hartley Rathaway, whom coincidentally, had been the weekly ‘villain’ in the period of time Barry was sent back to. Death may have had Barry choking on the ground several times, but he had eventually writhed away and even gained someone that would temporarily be on Team Flash.

And Barry had been so close to time traveling so many other times. Every time he ran fast enough, which was always, Barry could see the blue and the red and the swirling lightning at the edge of his vision, and Barry only needed to kick up his speed a small notch more to excel into the lightning cloud, and yes, this time he was going to actually _do it—_

 _Barry’s comms flickered on and a crackle of noise stopped him in his tracks_. 

There was always something that stopped him from fucking up even harder, and he was immensely grateful for that.

But Zoom, _Jay—no_. Hunter _Zolomon_. Zo _om came and killed his father._

Zoom killed Barry’s dad, his only other parent because _Thawne_ had taken away his mother in a fit of hurt and anger. And Barry had reacted accordingly, giving a horrible half-death to Zoom, turning him into a time wraith, and erased the past 3 years of hard work and angry effort. It was fine at the time, because _both his parents were alive_ , Iris wasn't with Eddie, and that was the only thing that mattered. But then Barry’s precious memories were disappearing and he knew he fucked up, _he fucked up again._

Thawne, this new Thawne from 17 years ago, had the same smug, mocking grin as his future counterpart when Barry reluctantly asked him to kill his mother to restore the timeline. Barry remembered gritting his teeth and starting to run, only to find himself stuttering forward and falling. It was the Reverse Flash who picked him back up and dragged him to the future, rather than leaving him stranded in the doomed ‘Flashpoint’ universe. Why had he done that? There were a billion other options; Thawne could have killed everyone Barry loved in front of his face, he could have _killed Barry_ , which was what Thawne was trying to achieve for the better part of the century. But he didn’t. Instead, Thawne had dragged him to his rightful future, where even more obstacles threatened his accomplishments. Cisco was utterly pissed at him, Caitlin’s powers blew hot and cold, Wally needed to be trained, and Iris was destined to die.

But even _that_ had been a few week ago. Now, Wally would suffer a fate worse than death, Caitlin’s cold powers were getting dangerously unstable, Cisco was being unnervingly fine about Dante again, Julian was new and too curious, Harry had almost died, HR was becoming more suspicious, and Iris...

It was her turn to give Barry the cold shoulder. Barry had known future Iris didn't have a wedding ring on, but he was genuinely proposing because he loved everything that she was, and he feared—

Barry feared if he didn't do it now, he would never get the chance.

Barry's thoughts raced faster as he saw the people around him laugh at yet another joke, as if everything was okay and Wally wasn't gone and this universe wasn't collapsing—how would a universe collapse? Each universe had its pillars built around speedsters and important events, Barry knew at least that much. He’s figured on his own that one pillar his universe had been built on was either the night Nora Allen died, the night of the particle accelerator explosion, or Barry himself. As the _Flash_.

But what if it had been Wally? And now that Wally was stuck in the speed force as Barry was a year ago, was the timeline collapsing in on itself while Team Flash was sitting around, not worrying about a thing?

Barry had also suspected that each timeline has a varying amount of pillars, and that his universe only has two left because one has already melded into a set point in time, a nexus, where it continued into an infinite amount of other worlds. Barry can confirm this because neither he nor the Reverse Flash have ever even _attempted_ traveling further back than Nora Allen’s death, and Barry was sure that if he'd try going back further to change things, the universe _wouldn't even let him_. If that’s a pillar, and if Wally’s a pillar, what could the last one possibly be?

And Barry continues to think about it long after Cisco’s more-than-pleasant shared moment. It's not as if Barry doesn't have enough time. Barry has all the time in the world.

Someone taps on his shoulder and he hopes that it's Iris, even when his above average brain is telling him that it’s impossible. And his brain is correct.

“Are you alright?” Caitlin is asking, as a friend who knows how it feels to be torn away from their loved one.

 _No! No I'm not!_ Barry is screaming, but what comes out is an innocuous, “Yeah? Is something wrong? Should something be wrong? Do I look stressed or something, because honestly, there's nothing to worry about.”

Barry then switches topics like a pro.

“Unless something is wrong…” Barry trails off, feeling bad for redirecting the conversation onto Caitlin, “with, you know…” Barry gestures towards her, subtly.

“Oh no, no, everything’s fine,” Caitlin rushedly says, genuinely looking okay. “If fact, I think things are getting better! Slowly.” Barry can't help but smile because Caitlin’s smiling too. It's contagious. And then she goes off to converse with Julian, who continues proving to be good company for her.

HR is in the corner, tinkering with STAR Labs technology that he doesn't understand at all. Barry thinks about how similar and dissimilar all the Wellses are to each other. It’s only when HR notices Barry staring and shoots him a _proud smile_ that’s too similar to Eobard Thawne’s does Barry shudder and take his eyes off of HR, deciding to do of the stupidest things he’s ever thought about, besides time traveling, without real indication or direction as to what he’s trying to accomplish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope it wasn't too bad
> 
> If it seems like I'm hating on a character, IM NOT, I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM
> 
> I did all the italics by hand fuck me
> 
> Did I tell you how much I love italics? I love them as much as I love you.
> 
> Platonically


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, I know I'm a bad person, but there's been no Flash this week, last week or next week, so here's a free chapter that's bound to have a few mistakes here and there.
> 
> Where am I headed with this fic?
> 
> Hehe :)
> 
> also, have my favorite AMV:  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9Hsd93Qt_wM

“I know it seems insane, but look, we have no other leads, and you know I want to save Iris just as much as you guys do, maybe even more, but I need to go check on this one thing, and then I can be completely focused on finding Savitar and defeating him afterwards,” Barry explains with his arms waving around frantically and unconvincingly to Team Flash, who are currently all staring at him with blatant skepticism. Caitlin is giving him her rudimentary ‘let me contemplate all the consequences of your obviously stupid decision, then I’ll get back to you’ face, Julian looks lost as to why Caitlin and Cisco are giving Barry weird looks, and HR is encouraging Barry’s pitch about the Thawne endeavor because he doesn't see any problem to what Barry wants to do. Neither he nor Julian have had to experience the lightning storm that was Eobard Thawne.

“Listen, it’s not like I’ll be there alone like all the other times I’ve time traveled. We can have Cisco be my lifeline if our communicators malfunction, now that he’s practically mastered his vibe powers—”

“Far from it actually,” Cisco elbows Barry in the chest. “But thanks for believing in me, dude.”

Barry smiles a genuine smile. “Like I said, Cisco’s awesome vibe powers can be my lifeline, and since I’m gonna go back time instead of into the speed force, there’s no real reason for me to get lost, right?”

Caitlin sighs and drops her mask of perpetual worry, crossing her arms. “Just be careful, okay?” Barry nods enthusiastically.

Cisco dips under a desk and resurfaces only a moment later holding a small twinkly device in his hands.

“Is that what I think it is?” Barry asks with slow caution.

“If you're thinking what I'm thinking, then yeah it is. Remember when you went into the speedforce about a year ago? We didn't know where you were, we had no contact with you, and we couldn't pull you out, but, here’s the thing. I made a ‘lil gadget,” Cisco gestures towards the sparkly red crystalline structure in the palm of his hand, “I call it the Crystal Apparatus and,” he flips a switch on the side, “it gives off a specific wave frequency code made from the number Earth, the year in time, and a randomly generated numbers, and in this case, we have 1, 2017, and 43252003274489856000—”

Barry doesn't even try to be subtle with the obvious raise of his eyebrows.

“—what? It’s my _machine_!” Cisco defends his number quite adamantly. “Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was gonna say that because the Crystal Apparatus vibrates at a frequency that I generated, when I Vibe, I can tune into the frequency and find the Apparatus and therefore find you.” Cisco sticks the thing behind the Flash symbol on the front of Barry’s suit. He taps on it twice and turns back to Team Flash. “Voila!”

“How sure _are you_ that the, uh, Crystal Asparagus is going to work?” Julian asks, leaning closer to the Flash suit for a better look.

“First of all, it’s ‘Crystal Apparatus’, and second of all— _hey_ , don't touch that!” Cisco lightly slaps Julian’s hand away when he reaches out to touch the device. He glares at the Englishman.

“Okay, okay,” Julian says, rubbing the back of his right hand with a grimace.

“Second of all, have my inventions ever failed you guys before?”

“Yes,” is the immediate response from Caitlin. Cisco grasps at his chest as if he was just dealt a hard blow. It’s nice moments like these that remind Barry that not everything is hopeless and decaying.

“Into the Particle Accelerator you go.” Barry changes into his suit at faster than the speed of light and zips in front of the Particle Accelerator chamber.

“Godspeed, Barry,” HR says, and Barry jumps a bit because he didn't see the man before. Barry does his best to avoid glancing at HR’s face because he knows that HR is still smiling, just like earlier.

“Thanks,” Barry murmurs, rubbing the back of his neck in anxiousness. Cisco gives him a thumbs up and Barry enters the chamber.

Barry takes a deep breath and squeezes his eyes shut. He feels sparks run up his spine and heat crawl up his back.

He lets out a shaky breath and thinks about yellow lightning and an angry sneer.

And he ran, as the world blurred together.

***

The world was blue and swirling, but Barry kept a steady pace through time. Images manifested as he tried thinking back to the year 1970, Apollo 13, 1970, Apollo 13, 1970—

Barry only knew the basics as to why Thawne was so far back in time, and it had something to do with the him and the Legends battling over a spear and something about Thawne breaking time, which definitely did not sound like a good thing. Barry really should try to help the Legends while he’s back there, but… he has an obligation to his team. _In and out, no being sidetracked_ , he tells himself, but some part of him knows that if he saw it happening right in front of him, he’d have to jump in and help.

“ _Hero complex_ ,” Thawne is snarling from somewhere in the back of his head.

Time swirled and memories revealed themselves scattered around him. He stuttered in his run but regained his speed when he tried reassuring himself that the last time he had time traveled, the same thing had also happened. Somewhat, at least.

A cage manifested to his side. It was the cage Barry had kept Thawne in, the Thawne from 2000, when he had been in Flashpoint. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but Barry had his beautiful smiling parents at the time, so _who cared_?

But now that he thought about it, what kind of person would keep another person in a cage for days without food? _Barry Allen would_ , he berated himself in a guilty voice.

_Thawne was sulking on the ground, his back against the cold bars of the cage with his hands resting idly and loosely on his kneecaps, and he was glaring at Barry from his spot on the ground. Thawne was a lot less intimidating and threatening, cute even, with an unshaven scruffy beard on his chin. As if he could sense what Barry was thinking, Thawne glared even harder, raising a clenched fist to his mouth and biting down hard on his leather covered knuckles. Barry thinks Thawne’s doing this to prevent himself from saying something aggravating and giving Barry an extra incentive to humiliate him even further._

They hadn’t talked to each other. Barry just stood there, and Thawne just sat there, and they had just maintained an unhealthy amount of eye contact. That was how he spent one of his many days in Flashpoint.

There had been so many different variations in the timeline; Barry’s so sure that he’s already met at least 3 completely different Eobard Thawnes.

But the Flashpoint timeline had ended quickly, and so had Thawne’s time in that cage. He could see as Thawne pick up past Barry’s body and prepare to bring him to the future.

Barry sped away from those bursts of images.

Barry blinked and watched as Cisco convulsed on a STAR Labs bed. He wanted to reach out and _help Cisco, Cisco is your friend_! But he continued watching the memory as he ran back in time. Eobard Thawne’s origin story. The event had occurred a year ago, somewhat still fresh in Barry’s mind.

The past Barry stood alongside Eobard Thawne in front of the particle accelerator, a different Eobard Thawne than Barry had known. This Thawne hadn't murdered his mother yet. This Thawne hadn't put his father in jail, and this Eobard Thawne had only come back in what could be compared to an almost accidental experiment to test for _who the Flash was_ and _what_ _time_ _period_ _did_ _he_ _live_ _in_? Thawne had, Barry would suggest as an answer, succeeded in everything he came to do.

They had ran around the particle accelerator faster than the speed of time, rupturing the space time continuum, forming a stable wormhole. With guilt, Barry had to admit he hadn't felt that much excitement and exhilaration since the singularity.

And when they had ran, side by side _together_ , tapping into the same speed force together, Barry had almost passed out from the overwhelming feeling content and belonging. He had forgotten for few important seconds that this Eobard Thawne was going to destroy his life and simply ran, ran _fast_ next to Thawne in pure enjoyment.

It was only when Thawne had picked up speed had Barry snapped out of his stupor and slowed down a tad bit in alarm. Thawne besides him had sent a questioning look at Barry because he could somehow sense or see Barry slowing down, and at that moment, Barry also realized _he could see Thawne as if they were both running at a normal pace_ and that _he couldn't hate someone who hadn't done anything personal to him yet._

Barry had said _sorry_ , but no words came out of his mouth. Thawne mouthed something back at him, but Barry couldn't read lips and in that moment regretted very much not learning the skill. He hadn't ever needed it. Barry shook his head and Thawne seemed to understand Barry perfectly.

Thawne picked up his speed even more, smirking, probably thinking odd little intelligent thoughts that Barry would never end up knowing. It was a challenge, and Barry gladly took it up, also adding more speed to his run.

He could feel that in half a lap more, the wormhole would appear and when he glanced over at Thawne, he imagined to himself that Thawne had known the exact number of laps it would take before they even began running.

In that half lap, Thawne had started picking up so much speed that Barry panicked because _he couldn't keep up_ _with_ _this_ and _Thawne would be gone_ and _wow, was he really this slow?_

Eobard Thawne had disappeared into a red lightning, too fast for Barry to see, which sped a lap forward and then blew right past Barry’s face. He felt a light touch on his face.

Barry swore on his dead mother’s grave, yes, he was willing to bet, that he had felt a chaste peck on _his_ _cheek_.

 _Impossible_ as it seemed, the only one who could keep up with him and give him one was Eobard Thawne, but Thawne hated him and _why_ would he give Barry Allen a _kiss on the cheek_?

Barry almost listed it off as part of his imagination or lightning that brushed past his cheek, but the red lightning in front of him had slowed itself back down to Barry’s speed and the face that emerged gave him a mocking grin. It _was Eobard Thawne_.

“ _I hate you, Flash_ ,” Thawne had mouthed, and yes, Barry still hadn't been able to lip ready then—but he could now, a year later; he learned to, just in case—yet he had understood clearly and could hear it loud and enunciated in his head, just as clearly as Thawne had understood him moments earlier.

In panic and very much aware that the wormhole had formed, Barry picked the other speedster up and proceeded to toss him into the hole. The Flash watched as the Reverse Flash vanished into the timestream, and that was that.

He never spoke nor thought of the ordeal again because even the thought of the Reverse Flash giving _Barry Allen_ a _kiss_ was beyond ridiculous and less likely than a total eclipse occurring at the same time as a blue moon. 

Ironically, there had been a _blue moon_ laterthat week, along with an _eclipse,_ as luck would have it _._

It must have been a Russian kiss, one of promise and bad news, presented for your enemies. _It must have_ .

Barry ran from the memory which hadn't showed up visually in Barry’s memory timeline, but was there, mocking him, just like that little kiss did. He ran.

_“Turns out I'm a hero after all.”_

Barry’s eyes widened. Why was he seeing this, of all moments?

_“You are, Eddie. You are my hero!” Iris sobbed, clutching onto the last few seconds of Eddie Thawne’s life._

_“That’s all I ever wanted to be,” Eddie choked out. “Your hero_.” Barry had remembered the shock from _the end_ , when Thawne had been eliminated from the timeline. He had stared at Iris and Eddie in a _gasp_ and confusion and _twisted jealousy that definitely did not belong there_. He had glanced back at Eobard Thawne in horror, watching his body crumble away while saying his last taunting words that would forever stay in Barry’s mind.

It reminded him that because Thawne existed, there was living proof that Barry would never get his happy ending. Iris would have married Eddie, had children, and lead a wonderful love filled life that Barry would not be a part of. Some _awful possessive_ part of Barry was glad that Eddie had died. Iris’ set-in-stone fate was then smashed, and maybe, just _maybe_ , Barry would finally have a chance. He was a horrible person, maybe just as evil as Thawne deep down, covered by his hero-complex. But that Thawne was gone now, and Barry swallowed those malicious feelings.

Barry ran further back in time.

 _“Why did you kill my mother_?” Barry watched his past self ask Thawne. It was a few hours before _the end_.

 _“Because I hate you. Not now you, you years from now,” Thawne responded, voice full of as a matter of factly hatred and discontent and calm. They faced each other, one in a cell in the particle accelerator and one outside, facing in_. Barry watched the conversation carefully, wondering, who was really stuck inside the cell, Thawne or him?

It wasn’t further back enough. He kept running. It wasn't fair how Thawne had controlled all of his life. Even after his death, he influenced Barry.

Barry saw STAR Labs in the next memory, of Blackout and the wide space of the parking garage. Dr. Wells was isolated, sitting haplessly on his wheelchair, gripping the sides in what seemed to be collected fear. The two were talking and Wells was apologizing to Blackout with a voice filled with remorse and guilt, also giving a list of names of the people who died because of the particle accelerator.

Barry knew that Thawne was a brilliant actor, and he couldn't tell if Thawne really felt remorseful for harming people when trying to create the Flash. Perhaps not.

Barry didn't have his speed at the time; Blackout had siphoned it off and Barry felt the same helplessness as when he saw his mother die. He didn't have his speed and he couldn't save the people that mattered.

 _Blackout whipped out several bolts of lightning, with an absolute intent to kill, and directed them onto Dr. Wells, throwing him out of his wheelchair and onto the unforgiving, cold hard ground_.

Barry could remember it clearly, not having his speed. He couldn't do anything and Blackout had come this close to killing Dr. Wells. He also vaguely remembered with guilt that while saving Wells, he couldn't save Eddie or Iris from a regular human psychopath at CCPD.

Barry’s speed had returned in a rush of anguish because didn't want to lose another person that had mattered to him. What would Thawne have done if Barry didn't get his speed back? Was dying worth preserving his identity?

Or had he knew and trusted that Barry would be able to get his speed back in time?

Barry never wanted to lose the speed force again. He would never trade it for anything.

Barry pushed on forward in a silent plea and felt the burn in his legs.

Barry ran with _speed_ and _Thawne_ in mind, the memory of STAR Labs trailing behind him and carrying him backwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna sleep now


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha
> 
> I dunno
> 
> LOTS OF BAD EXPOSITION YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
> 
> Also, pretend we all don't know who Savitar is. I might have an attempt at an evil!Barry/Barry fic. There's 500 words so far ;-;
> 
> Enjoy ;)

Barry lands in a tumble over hard concrete. He breathes in air that doesn’t have as much pollution as modern air, so he is literally taking a breath of fresh air, the best gulp of air that he’s had in awhile. He continues just laying there in his suit, looking up to a perfectly beautiful night sky with the cratered silver moon in full view. It’s a little bit chilly, and Barry can see his breath fog in front of him, but this particular night is just gorgeous and still. Too quiet for a change.

 _Where was Cisco_? He lifts a hand to tap on the earpieces on both sides of his head, but he was met with only silence, not even the white noise from radio static. Barry leaps onto his feet and fidgets with the Crystal Apparatus attached to his suit until it fell out. He blinks at it because _how the hell did it work and why did Cisco have to make such a complicated device_? Well, maybe it only worked from Cisco’s side of the force. Barry stares at the spot of air where he came from, as if a portal would appear any moment now. _Nah. I’m pretty sure Cisco has everything handled._

Barry laid back down, and it takes him a hell of a while before he wants to get up and run to where he needs to be.

***

Barry feels strange and out of place, standing outside of NASA’s space command center for the flight of Apollo 13 on April 12, 1970. This is Barry’s first time traveling without the intention of changing the past, though something else _has_ changed the past and it’s not his fault this time. He’s told that he could find Thawne here at this exact moment, and out of the corner of his eye, Barry notices a speedster, clad in black leather run through the space terminal and out. Of course, Barry subtly follows after him, just observing and not intervening at all. It reminds him a bit of the old Barry-stalking cameras that Thawne had used to watch him as he was growing up. _I'm being a stalker just like him_ , Barry jokes to himself, but it falls flat as he nears Thawne’s super secret lair, the one not shared with the other two members of the Legion of Doom. He’s lucky to have information on Thawne from the Legends, but this place was unknown information, not mentioned to Barry, so the Legends probably didn’t know about it. Yet, Barry actually expected Thawne to have a his own place tucked away somewhere.

Normally, he wouldn't have come to check on Thawne, but he kept telling himself it was because he had no choice. He couldn't focus on Savitar and he needed to confirm several things that he noticed. When Barry had last communicated with Ray Palmer, the man had said during his little space adventure with Thawne, the yellow speedster had said a whole bunch of bullshit, all of which Ray had relayed back to Barry. Barry noticed that the Reverse Flash had said something extremely out of place. Thawne had mentioned that he missed working with scientists, namely Cisco and Caitlin; it hadn't seemed any extra odd to Ray, but Barry knew. _Thawne shouldn't have any memories of working with STAR Labs because he had come straight from the night Nora Allen died_.

Barry ignored the fact that Thawne hadn't mentioned him to Ray at all. No ranting about how much he hated Barry.

Thawne was up to something much bigger.  
  
***

Barry sped inside, later realizing he got lucky that Gideon wasn’t around and Thawne hadn't installed some 3067th century detection system in the place. Barry knew he was getting a little too reckless sometimes.

He was extra wary as he crept around, but Thawne was nowhere in sight; Barry didn't know whether that was a good sign or not.

The tables were surprisingly uncluttered, with little pieces of technology set out in a meticulous manner, as if Thawne were providing a pretty aesthetic for a nonexistent audience. But Barry was here, and he could _see_.

He slid a now ungloved hand across the table and grabbed a random piece of tech, lifting it to his face, close enough to examine more thoroughly, but further enough away to run if it decided to blow up in his face.

A sudden _scrzzt_ erupted out of the machine and Barry jumped back, abruptly dropping the thing back on the table.

“As protocol, I was engineered by my parents and the code four geneticists. My strawberry blond hair, my blue eyes and my 167 I.Q. were all planned. My name is Eobard Thawne and I didn't always look forward to the future,” a scratchy voice echoed off the grimy walls of the warehouse. The device—it was some kind of futuristic recording device—belonging to Thawne, obviously, but there was _information_ here that Barry could potentially use against the Reverse Flash, which was rare, because in all of the time Thawne had been in STAR Labs, pretending to be Harrison Wells, or the time afterwards, when he revealed himself as the Reverse Flash, Barry hadn’t known anything about him besides his name and the fact that he came from the 25th century and that he _hated the Flash_.

“I was required to control my emotions from a young age, and then follow the respectable path in society my parents chose for me. To become a respectable person, then to garner more income than my predecessors. I studied hard, because anything other than perfect and monotonous like the rest of the zombies in my century would be taken and thrown into a filthy prison, where I wouldn't have lasted an hour. Then of course, one day, we were required to learn about mythical heroes in the past. I had one week to know the Flash better than I knew myself, and that I did. I became ‘unsociable’ and ‘reclusive’ while I was studying the speed force, looking to achieve the negative speed force equation for myself. I had succeeded by finding a locked shuttle with the Flash’s suit in it. I took the speed residue and experimented on myself, and then I became t _he fastest man alive_." _That_ was was how Thawne got his speed? From the suit of the original timeline's Flash? _Locked shuttle_? 

H _ow was any of that possible_?

"I donned the suit and became the Flash, saving people with my super speed. I traveled to the past and saw, the suit I was developing for myself… it was on display in the Flash museum with big bold letters, _**The Reverse Flash, The Flash’s greatest nemesis**_. At first I thought it must have been a coincidence, because I wasn’t the Flash’s greatest enemy, I was just a professor who garnered speed for himself. I had never even met the Flash before, nor come close to it no matter how much I wanted to. But as time went on, I _did_ meet the Flash. And then I knew. I knew, I would never _be_ the Flash. I came back home.” Something slammed on a wall through the recording. Thawne sounded like he had punched something, hard.

“I stayed reclusive and away from the required social contact regimen of my society, so my mother and father granted me a younger male sibling to boost my social connections. His name was Robern and I hated him more than I ha _te the Flash_ ,” Thawne growled, more angrily than monotonously. Monotonously—the word Thawne claimed described how all of the residents of the 25th century behaved.

And Thawne hated Robern more than Barry? He hadn't thought that Thawne could hate anyone as much as Barry in _any other_ universe at all. It stirred an unwelcomed feeling at the bottom of his gut, and it churned with uncertainty.

“... _so I erased him_.” Barry gripped the edge of the table and stiffened at the maliciously vicious tone of Thawne’s voice.

“And then I had no bothersome fly hovering over my shoulder anymore. I set out to become a professor, only to find someone had bested me to the position. Professor Drake _was_ his name. Not anymore.” There was a dry chuckle.

“My mother and father admitted me into a program to see Counselor Julius about my ‘unhealthy obsession’. The next morning, a policeman had come and told me all three of them had died in an unfortunate accident. Fortunately, for once in my pathetic life, no one was there to minister my actions,” Thawne drawled on. “And then I found love in Rose—”

Barry paused the recording.

 _What_?

 _Love_?

In _who_?

Once more, Barry found himself thinking that Thawne would be the last person in mind on the topic of love or romance or relationships in general. But surely, Thawne was still just a human, right?

Barry closed his eyes and breathed out. He tried imagining striking blue eyes, a candid smile, and a wheelchair and paired it together with a gentle looking woman, grin filled with enough sass to take down the world. Something similar to the original Earth-1 Harrison Wells and Tess Morgan. Barry shook his head and stopped thinking about that image because that sore unwanted feeling came back. The one he had felt constantly when Eddie and Iris had been in a relationship and consistently showed their love to each other in front of Barry. But to have the same reaction towards Thawne and some unnamed, unknown woman? Thawne couldn't have possibly been married or in a lasting relationship. When he had been disguised as Dr. Wells, Thawne showed no sign of yearning for a significant other, and whenever he spoke of the 25th century, he always seemed specific about what he was talking about. His _home_. But did that home include… Rose?

Barry gaped in horror at himself. He had limited time, yet he was standing there, contemplating whether the Reverse Flash had someone in the future.

Barry wasn't a teenager with a crush, and he certainly didn't have those feelings for anyone but Iris. Iris, who has been particularly cold towards him after finding out about the truth for his marriage proposal. That proposal was real, and Barry really did want to marry her, but everything was just so _goddamn difficult_ with Savitar, and Iris was scared. Ba _rry was scared_ too, _scared_ for Iris.

He continued the recording with a trembling hand.

“—Rose, who had a fiancé at the time. I loved her,” Thawne admitted. “When her fiancé disappeared, I had my chance. But she still w _ouldn't recuperate_ my advances. So I went back and changed things again. Everyone who she had ever dated disappeared overnight,” Thawne ranted on and on with anger and a destructive wave of obsession in his voice. The obsession Barry had heard every time he confronted Thawne or when the Flash was mentioned.

Was it just Barry or did Thawne sound _way more fucking insane than usual_? Thawne had erased everyone out of Rose’s life, just so he could date her? If something had gone wrong in the way Barry was raised, he could've turned out the exact same way Thawne was. Barry thanked his parents and Joe under his breath.

But then again, the recording had to be pretty old, at least 15 years old, because the Thawne that Barry had known was always calculating, manipulative, and constantly in control, always 10 steps ahead of him. It was completely different to what Barry was listening to, and if he didn't know any better, Barry would have assumed the two were completely different people.

“She still rebuffed my advances,” Thawne said morosely. “It took me more than a while, but I managed blocked everything about her out. And then I shook the sanity out of her, back when she was a little girl. One less issue to deal with.”

There was a silence. _Wait, was that it? That couldn't have possibly been all of it_.

Barry leaned towards the table and snatched up the device, shaking it frantically. _That was it_.

And so Barry stood in silence trying to comprehend the overwhelming amount of information he had just been presented with. He then decided that Team Flash would thank him for bringing the tape with him, so he put it in a friction proof pocket added by Cisco some time ago.

There was suddenly a rise of static in the air as Barry felt another open connection to the Speedforce. Thawne.

Yellow lightning skirted at the edge of his vision.

He turned his head quickly to look at where the yellow had been in the corner of his eye. There had been another door leading to another room tucked strategically in an interior wall in the compound. _Of course_ Thawne had hidden it well.

Barry approached the door with the same caution as he did with the sound device.

  
Barry was very wrong to think that Thawne didn't have any traps set up. Thawne was a carefully planning paranoid man, so of course he would have some sort of safety mechanism. When Barry had stepped one foot into the room and then stepped back out, his immediate thoughts were, “ _Isn’t that Thawne’s Reverse Flash suit_?” and “ _Fuuu_ —” as Gideon’s familiar monotone mechanical voice rang out, “Security breach, body heat detected in the Tachyon room, Professor Thawne. Activate security measure protocol 14?” So Barry was also wrong about Thawne not having Gideon with him. Barry has been wrong about many things in the past half hour.

What was he thinking just waltzing into an enemy lair and just assuming there was nothing deadly waiting for him? Barry was ready to race out of there, seeing as Gideon alerted Thawne to his presence already, but the door he just came in from was sealed tight.

 _Well, I’ll just have to phase through_ , Barry thought to himself as his body slammed into the side of the building at Mach 2. _Well shit_. Even if he couldn't phase through, that amount of force should have broken the door. Thawne must have added stronger reinforcements to this bunker. Barry pressed his forehead to the cold wall that didn't even dent from his pathetic attempt to go through it.

“Activating protocol 14,” Gideon droned. Barry quickly zipped around the room, checking for any more tucked in hidden rooms, anything hidden in the dusty corners, for anything, anything at all—

But luckily for Barry, Thawne was extremely thorough and there were no routes of escape.

There was a hissing noise, a sound Barry associated with snakes, or the sound of gas escaping from somewhere. _Ah, that probably isn't good_

The gas was odorless, colorless, and if Barry was deaf, he wouldn’t have even known it was being pumped into the room. Thawne was _very thorough_.

Sweat collected at his wrists and Barry’s head was buzzing, all signs of nervousness and loss of air .

Loss of air? But Barry could breath perfectly fine—

And he found himself mouth opened without receiving any oxygen entering his lungs. Barry clutched at his chest and tried holding his breath in, but even his superspeed couldn't help him take in more of that much need air. If he didn't want to die here, he needed to get out g _et outget out_

—of this room and the only other option left was to time travel again

and Barry was already off, followed by short bursts of speed as he sprinted forward, utilizing the large empty space of the warehouse to run, but he was more out of breath than he thought he was.

His gait stuttered, slowing as he was thrown across the room and onto the unforgiving floor by his own momentum. He groaned, emitting a violent choked cough as he attempted to breath _breath in_ breath _please_

But he laughed in his mind at his obvious failure to revitalize his lungs and heart and the rest of his body.

Black specks outlined the peripheral of his vision, and he held his hand out to the world, hoping it would throw him one last lifeline to pull him out of danger and—

“-arry, _listen_ to me.”

The hand he was holding out was grasped tightly.

 _Who—_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of lines are from comic!Eo but that doesn't much matter, now does it???
> 
> I need to stop staying up so late sleeep is for the weeaaak
> 
> Hmm. The world's ending in a week.


End file.
